Archive for tag Poetry
September 07, 2008 at 07:19 PM
The mornings are the worst,
when all of the sudden,
you are reminded of all that
failed to come true, of all that is not there
all that has never been, and all that will never be
Like cold steel slicing between the ribs
straight into your beating heart
quivering helplessly with each beat
then twisted and turned
yanked back
then plunged back in again
Like shark’s teeth gnawing, shredding
rending, tearing
until all that is left is the blood
muddying the deep blue water
and still somehow, through all this
against all reason, I continue to live
I have tried to empty my heart
of all desire
let my heart be still
and want no more
let my heart stay frozen and undisturbed
to never dream again
to never imagine warmth and tenderness
never again to thaw from a loving smile
nor from kind words,
nor from a warm embrace
stopped, and drained dry
so that I might hide it away forever
keep it bound and locked up
so that it may never again be found
better this eternal darkness that I know
this numb silence of regret
and permanent loss
this echoing emptiness
than this aching, writhing half-existence, forever yearning to be filled.
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September 07, 2008 at 02:16 AM
there was never anything more than fine gossamer threads of hope
fraying and tenuous, breaking, snapping, tearing with the slightest breeze
the merest whisper
more like a dream than anything else
so that awakening came like a disaster
and the dawn brought nothing but dread
untethered, my soul writhes
unbound, directionless, unmoored
drifting aimlessly in this empty sea of silence
without a soul in sight
bobbing up and down like an abandoned dinghy
forgotten flotsam slowly sinking into the deep
I cling desperately to shattered, splintered driftwood
knowing soon I will grow too weary
to hold fast to the broken fragments
to swim against this current
the waves shall take me
in the deep fastness I shall lie
and maybe this existential torment, too
is nothing but a nightmarish dream
and one day I shall awaken
at last knowing that every ending is a new beginning
for every closed door, there is an open one
I cling to this thought
bind it to myself, clasp it tight
this final hope
that, one day, my hour will come
and this, too, shall then end
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August 24, 2008 at 04:55 AM
Bewilderment spins mercilessly around my heart
weaves/binds/patterns/stitches, embedded like magical runes
threads of fate, minutest of imperfections becomes a message
that I cannot decipher, much less interpret
the last few thousand days far exceed the extent of my ken
elude the limits of my perception
more like meaningless, patternless ribbons of light,
photons swarming hither and thither
sparking random garbled currents coming out to gibberish
in the quivering gray jelly encased, entrapped in my skull
what does it all mean? does it even mean anything?
how did this come to pass? am I really seeing what I’m seeing?
Foolishly I stumble down the broken, shattered road
and not even the stars light my way this night, nor any night
these fragments perhaps meant for me to find
not to fix, realign, re-grade
but merely to record what has come to pass
misrepresented/misinterpreted as an straight and unerring line to destiny
the story always comes long after the event transpires
and the ending is happy or tragic only depending on where you cut it short
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August 21, 2008 at 01:41 AM
a phantom lifestyle imagined by my
fevered mind where there would be someone at
home who would wish me luck and send me out
with a hug and a kiss, and there would be
someone to look forward to seeing once
it’s all over
some other lifetime, or some other branch
universe, splitting off from some moment
before I erred and made the wrong choices
before the stars went astray and awry
before the decisions were taken from
my hands
to believe that this was how it was all
meant to turn out—the thought makes my heart ache
my breaths painful to draw—that this was some
unavoidable, inescapable
doom
that God would be so cruel to condemn not
just me, but any soul to so hopeless
so desolate a fate, leaves me tired
aching and weary, my faith tattered and
torn
perhaps my only consolation is
that somewhere in this multiverse there is
a version of me who knows what it is
to be happy
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August 16, 2008 at 07:25 PM
in this voiceless silence interrupted
by the whirring internal combustion
engines, rubber running across worn-down
concrete, these assemblies of metal growl
past, slashing through the air like two-ton knives
at 70 miles per hour, almost
like the tumult of a rushing river
or waves crashing down on the silver shore
my mind lost in the eddies and whirpools
of wind and debris, as the sunlight streams
in, vainly trying to evaporate
the dark mood crouching upon my soul like
a gremlin ready to ambush and havoc
seeking some faint memory, some trace of happiness
and not finding it, not in the hidden recesses
of my tumbled mind, that feeling of
having her beside me, the warmth
and tenderness of her embrace
in those murky memories of childish romance
certainly, no happiness in those fits of
jealousy, of possessiveness, of
feeling like every moment spent
away from her was losing her second by second
until in the deep darkness of the fall
I lost her at last, and she betrayed me
leaving this disfiguring scar upon my heart
and maybe the closest I ever came to happiness
was to know that someone like her, whose
smile, like sunlight itself illuminates
the bleak caverns of my crumbling mind
and even in this harrowed mood, a tendril of joy
wraps itself around my heart before
it bursts like a delicate soap bubble
to know her, and to have her in my life
though she was never mine, will never be mine
perhaps I was doomed to see the Promised Land
but to never dwell there myself
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August 15, 2008 at 04:54 AM
not just loneliness weighing gravid, doleful,
becoming this furtiveness rooted, still
seeming in the light to be seen, yet unseen
amidst the hundred thousand voices seething, roiling, teeming
the faces, the gestures, all worn-down by rehearsal
words spoken by rote, by habit, stripped of meaning
oh blessed sleep, at once elusive yet inescapable
in this heavy velvet cloak of darkness,
my mind reels and lurches and whirls without direction
picking apart the seams that hold my soul together
finding that there is no there there, just vapidity
sterility, confusion, and incomprehensible sorrow
is it just nameless fear preying? Parasitizing?
Like an occult tick engorged, ballooning with blood
leaving me paralyzed and without will?
in the morning as the sun encroaches
I dread the implacable stillness holding me fast
worse than iron shackles, worse than lead weights
while my roused soul writhes powerless
gnawing helplessly, uselessly upon the growing randomness
nonsensical thoughts, stale and tired schemes, evaporating dreams
paralyzed while time burns away like grass withering
under the baleful glare of the desert sun
still my soul twists and struggles in violent passion
undirected, blind fury, without hope of succor
though my limbs hang useless, my lips and tongue stay parched
and my voices dies in my throat, ere anything of meaning is uttered
each day like another set of bars, the guards taking me deeper
into the bleak, lightless recesses of the prison of my mind
with madness the only possible escape remaining
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July 02, 2008 at 02:14 AM
the slow, legato silence, by intervals, by measures
frame by frame, ignition, combustion, explosion, boom boom
that’s my soul up there, in particles and all aerosolized
like an ashen rain falling upon my haunted visage
I taste the firestorms of the fall, and the endless winter
that followed, on its heels came spring and that harrowing
catastrophic thaw, now the floodwaters crest, come summer
sun burning and my soul withers, my soul crumbles to dust
and still there are no endings, just fraught nerves, the pain reminds
you are still alive, against all reason, beyond all odds
in this echoing silence, I am forced to ask myself,
was this thawing worth the inevitable disaster?
my words unspoken, my song stilled and silent,
already I can see it coming like a wave rushing
washing upon the shore, foaming and spraying, gurgling, roar
on the verge of breaking right upon you, crashing down like
a shattered, suddenly shorn mountaintop, cut down mid-rise.
Are the days awaiting, the nights laying awake, alone
in the cursed glow of the full moon, or the mocking glare of
the shimmering stars or with all the lights in your room lit,
striving in futility because the dark is too much
its unbearable weight crushing you with your self-doubt, your hidden shame
wondering if mistakes were made, or if you failed because you suck
or if you were driven by fate, unable to avert the speeding arrow of time
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May 29, 2008 at 05:16 AM
the die is cast, the cards laid down on the table
the flop, the turn, the river, but it’s the pocket that matters
and you don’t know what she’s got
you’re crossing your fingers and holding your breath
trying your damnedest not to give away a tell
the sacred geometry of chance
the profane illogic of chaos
when does chance become fate
randomness become destiny?
another familiar traversal through the Friend Zone, perhaps
or a savage burn, the ties all cut, the roads all barricaded
she’s screaming in terror and running as fast as she can
you’ve been this way before, another turn around the bend
another tack against the wind
melodrama ain’t getting you nowhere
you swear that another dagger in your heart is gonna kill you
but you’ve gone this route before, all the lines and cues are familiar
like you’re trapped in the first act of some godforsaken off-Broadway production
the same monologue over and over again like you’re auditioning in hell
the only way to play the game is all-in
there are no half-measures, there is no insurance, no take-backs, no trial runs
you get what you want, or you go out like a shooting star
burning up in the atmosphere, leaving nothing but interstellar dust motes
suspended in the twilight sky
She is who she is, it didn’t take anything I said to make it true
Courage. Passion. Hope. Wonder.
like an iridiscent flame, like the sunset turning the sea and the sky to a brilliant fiery red and orange
the world, my heart, burns with an aching longing
I want her light to shine forever
in her reflected glow, even someone such as I will give off a little illumination
around her, I can incandesce and coruscate
becoming more than I am, greater than even my vainest imaginings.
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May 28, 2008 at 01:16 AM
Cassandra whispers to me of disaster and catastrophe:
“Harden your heart, o wanderer
the road is long, the horizon far
no surcease of sorrow shall come to succor thee,
no hope of rescue, of salvation, of love
through the grey desert thou shalt tread
alone, forsaken, unlooked for, unwanted, unmissed.”
Like dry gritted sand upon my parched tongue
like shards of glass down my thirst-swollen throat
beyond bitterness, beyond pain, this emptiness
knowing the truth behind her words.
I grasp at wisps of dreams, like dust-motes glittering in the sunrise
fairy dust and sparkles,
but you cannot eat wishes
and you cannot drink hope
Cassandra need not warn me
of this dreaded path that is my own
descried by prophecy, and wrought by doom
years I have followed it, winding this way and that
through the unforgiving wilderness
though mirages have led me astray
and once or twice, I’ve mistaken the wind
for a loving voice calling out to me
but the silence and the emptiness
is all that has ever been real
I, who will never again know
the warm embrace of true love
damned to walk this blasted road
alone
I go with regret
this damnable weariness seeps into my bones
I bear my burden up once more
letting hope recede again into the distant sky
happiness is not mine to win, I suppose
and her heart was never for me to seek
I gaze upon the distant horizon
my wounded heart trembling
knowing that after all this time
this wound will never heal
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May 26, 2008 at 10:15 PM
chewing on the frayed ends of old, worn threads
of choice, of chance, of fate, of hope, of dreams
wondering where my free-will ends, this cup
passing, where destiny begins, takes shape
takes form, did it not matter, or do these
things still shift, still split, still slip, twist, and bend
this far out, this late in the game, now in
overtime, with seconds to go, and still…
…still worrying over lines and crossings
pencil shavings and eraser bits, now
page upon page of meaningless drivel
smearing and blurring with each added stroke
weighing and measuring, calculating
each choice fraught with peril, each word
laden with meaning mislaid, undermined
by the gravid and tormented silence.
like crashing waves, my blood
splashes on the walls of my failing heart
not knowing, never knowing, how to say
I love her.
my heart cartwheels and somersaults and it
thrills and it trembles like a butterfly
or a hummingbird in flight, hovering
thrumming and thrilling, rushing and soaring
havoc and chaos, disorder, madness
my soul roils with great longing and yearning
trying to unfurl this banner not yet
woven, this wond’rous tapestry of dream
this garment of wishes still unfulfilled
jumping too far ahead, beyond all sight
into choices not yet chosen, into
these pathways still waiting to be descried
onto thin air, on water, past sunset
through the dark, starry night until sunrise,
I chase her upon sunbeams through blue skies
to far galaxies on bright photon streams
keeping her words of hope close to my heart
why can I not set my heart on something possible?
still this yearning, like the tumult of spring
dawning upon the frozen landscape of
these northern wastes as the ice cracks and thaws
and drops of snow-melt turn to a trickle
then a torrent, then a river with a
voice and a song, lost and meandering
forever seeking the sea
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May 13, 2008 at 08:30 PM
15 years: 5,480 sunsets
the days spin by, the hours whirl
blurring into infinity
and I can’t remember where I’ve been
nor all the answers that I figured out
falling out of my hands
scattered wildly like spilled grain
as I was, so I will be
upon this path to nowhere
to anywhere
my heart stands still for a single moment
and I think of her golden tresses
and her radiant smile
around her, there is always sunlight
and for that moment
I am at peace
still the gap yawns
all distances stretch to infinity
half again, then half again of that
as close as I can get
still the current sweeps me away
the closer I get, the more keen the sharpness of the pain
and the storm rages again in my soul
the violence, the cacophony
overwhelming all reason
into this storm I wander
this madness that I have known
don’t know which way is up or down
water above me
water below me
and there is barely any air to breathe
crashing waves, bursting foam
the raindrops splatter against the tormented sea
my sail runs ragged
rent and sheared
I have come this way before
too many times
and the sunsets pile upon each other
compressing, condensing
gravity crushing all these memories
into an impenetrable singularity
even light cannot escape
I am lost down this familiar road
bewildered and confused
dazed and helpless
as a newborn expelled into the cold, cruel world
squeezed and strangled
smashed, battered, flailing, bawling
it’s never enough
summer, then fall
the Devil’s breath
flames bursting
ash raining from the sky
come fall, then come winter
as the shadows lengthen
and the night reigns
then winter, and spring
and hope thaws from that winter twilight
joy unlooked for
happiness come suddenly
we spin the ever-turning-wheel
again I pass this road
cross this valley
climb this hill
still no closer to the stars
though I grasp and reach in vain
it is, I think, at the last
no matter how I rationalize and dither
my doom to die unfulfilled
cold and alone
unlooked for, not missed
as the days lengthen
and the leaves fall
they will forget what I look like
wonder about that empty space for a spare moment
and shrug
that final winter
with no ensuing spring
that ultimate night
without the promise of dawn
that last silence, without words to follow
alone, alone, the raging sea
my soul drinks deeply
of rain water, and the morning dew
still I thirst
knowing my longing shall never be quenched
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May 02, 2008 at 12:42 PM
lightning strikes
end points and infinities
waves and foam
the clouds coruscating against the setting sunlight
a gull takes to wing
fluttering, fading beyond the horizon
this singularity
complete totality
ciudad de los todos santos
everything in everything
all from nothing
what am I, who am I
will I be?
am I?
dangerous crossroads
perilous pathways
sacrifice
regret
flotsam and jetsam of the waves
the sealion lies still in a quiet pool
unmoving
the cloud obscures
reveals
transforms
all the rivers run to the unforgiving sea
to that infinite line of blue and blue
where the sky and the sea
touch
until the end of the world
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May 01, 2008 at 01:07 AM
wanting starlight
sunlight
sunrise
gold glimmer
warmth
you make me think of home
and a deep longing buried within the frozen chambers of my heart
thaws
like darkness arising
monstrous awakening
madness stirring
save me
faerie princess
enchantment
I am spellbound
lost in your glamour
I am in your power—
do you even know?
with a snap of your fingers
with a flick of your wrist
you could destroy me
or make me into
something great
a hero, a king
wishing
your bidding
my love
dancing into May—
maybe something good
maybe something bad
—in the moment of that conditional
that decision
so infinitesimal
a butterfly in Molucca
rainstorms in Topeka
a single teardrop falls
how do you lose something
you never had?
mourn something
never meant to be?
your heartbeat
life
breathing
I am alive when I think of you
not giving rise to this hope
so brittle, so frail
knowing that if it breaks
one more time
someday
I won’t be able to pick up all the pieces
leaving the detritus of my soul
to be scattered by the uncaring wind
to love you
tempting fate
daring the universe
to crush me
implode
less than nothing
even light couldn’t escape
Know—
if I were a braver man
who could love freely
purely
unconditionally
(though I do love, for who you are,
whether I am, or never was)
—know that I would love you
you would be my life
I would be bound to you
heart and soul
in defiance of all the laws and limits of nature
Still, I dare
every little thing has a purpose
a photon
a wavelet
in the right place at the right time
igniting the heart of a star
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April 19, 2008 at 10:03 AM
that which you seek to perfect
fussing and worrying over
will come to ruin
too much force
and the thing will break
too much care
and you will wear it thin
and all you’re left with are the little pieces
useless debris, detritus
so if you wish for things to turn out well
abandon artifice
let go of regret
the thing you care about
if it truly is worth caring about
is no mere tool
but an entity unto itself
it too has a soul
and souls are most perfect
when they are tranquil and still
and in stillness, what must happen will happen
the wave shall lift you up, then drop you down
and even still, you will find yourself
moving to where you need to be
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April 19, 2008 at 09:45 AM
Grasp him tightly, try to carry him
and he will squirm and struggle
snap and bite and cry out
trying to get free
But untether him, and let him wander
and let him play
among the shade of trees and the dew-lined grass
and he will follow you willingly
all the days of his life
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