This idea was stolen shamelessly from this page that satirically insinuates that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is a thinly-veiled rewrite of The Lord the Rings. Being the Middle-Earth loser otaku that I am, I had to adjust a few plot points:

originally written 2007 July 28

The Lord of the Rings Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Years after the Dark Lord Sauron Voldemort was supposedly destroyed, he reappears in the Land of Mordor in the graveyard in Little Hangleton. Although Sauron’s Voldemort’s physical body was destroyed by the sacrifice of Elendil, the King of Arnor and Gondor and Gil-Galad the Last High King of the Elves Harry’s mother over 2,500 years ago 17 years ago, because Sauron Voldemort had infused a part of his soul in the One Ring seven Horcruxes, his spirit persisted, although very much weakened.

In order to defeat Sauron Voldemort once and for all, Frodo Harry sets off on a quest to destroy the One Ring the Horcruxes, under the guidance of the wizard Gandalf Dumbledore. The task is formidable, as the One Ring Horcruxes can only be destroyed by the fires of Mount Doom basilisk venom, cursed fire, or the sword of Gryffindor. But Gandalf Dumbledore tells Frodo Harry that he need not go alone, and the Fellowship of the Ring the Order of the Phoenix is assembled to aid in the quest.

However, barely at the beginning of the quest, Gandalf Dumbledore is killed by a Balrog Severus Snape. The Fellowship Order is soon afterward broken apart by a sneak attack by Orcs Death Eaters en route from Lothlorien the house at Privet Place, and Frodo Harry sets off with Sam Ron and Hermione. They find themselves surrounded by Orcs Death Eaters and pursued by black-cloaked wraiths known as Nazgul Dementors, who cause fear and despair whereever they tread. They manage to remain undetected by dint of the Elven Cloaks that were given to them by Galadriel the Cloak of Invisibility. As they continue their journey, they find that the One Ring the Horcrux they carry seems to become heavier and heavier, and begins to affect their thoughts.

Lost and not knowing where to go next, they follow the advice of Gollum Griphook. Although they do not trust him, he is the only one that can get them inside Mordor Gringotts. Gollum Griphook agrees to do this, but then ends up double-crossing Frodo and Sam Harry, Ron, and Hermione in order to try to steal the One Ring the Sword of Gryffindor from them.

Meanwhile, Sauron’s Voldemort’s power has waxed greatly, and he now controls the entirety of the eastern parts of Gondor, including the capital Osgiliath the Ministry of Magic, and has managed to infiltrate the thoughts of Lord Denethor, the Steward of Gondor and Saruman the White, leader of the White Council Pius Thicknesse, the new Minister of Magic. Sauron’s Voldemort’s forces besiege Minas Tirith Hogwarts. The defenders of Minas Tirith Hogwarts fight a pitched-battle against overwhelming odds, but manage to stave off defeat with the unexpected appearance of the Riders of Rohan and the Armies of the Dead lead by Aragorn Dumbledore’s Army and the surviving members of the Fellowship Order of the Phoenix, although they suffer grievous losses, including King Theoden of Rohan and Lord Denethor of Minas Tirith Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, and Nymphadora Tonks.

In the battle, the Witch King of Angmar Bellatrix Lestrange, Sauron’s Voldemort’s chief lieutenant, wreaks havoc on the defenders, but is fortuitously defeated by Éowyn and Merry Molly Weasely.

As the battle for Minas Tirith Hogwarts rages on, Frodo Harry walks deep into the heart of enemy territory, realizing that he would most likely not survive the destruction of the One Ring the Horcrux that he bore. But Frodo succeeds, and Sauron Voldemort is utterly defeated.

I think The Earthsea Cycle will always have a place in my heart. The three key fantasy novels/series that I am heavily influenced by are The Lord of the Rings, The Last Unicorn, and The Earthsea Cycle. And because of the accidents of time and space, I think I will never escape the popular culture influences of “Star Wars” or of the Harry Potter series. Not that the latter two don’t have any merits. It’s just that I simply don’t consider them to be in the same class as the first three.

The Lord of the Rings is undoubtedly a trite reference. Any fantasy writer born in recent times cannot help but be in debt to this master work of world creation. I mean, I guess I can see the point of people who don’t get much out of LotR, though, because the best parts of the magic are in Tolkien’s mythology, which he casually tosses tidbits of in the trilogy. Places like Gondolin, people like Fëanor and Ëarendil, stories like the tale of Beren and Lúthien, the lost land of Númenor. This stuff was gold. And these were just small crumbs of the entire legendarium. If you were so inclined, you could dig through strata after strata of interwoven legends, stories, and prophecies. Entire histories of ascendant and fallen nations. I mean, seriously, it has taken me nearly two decades to read through a good chunk of all the stuff he came out with, and I’m still not done. So no matter what, this will always be my point of reference, for good or for ill.

The Last Unicorn came out of the blue for me. I don’t really remember how exactly I came to read this book. It may be simply because Peter S. Beagle wrote the foreword to the first copy of LotR that I ever read. There is a chance that I might have watched the animated film first, all because of my sister, who naturally had a thing for unicorns and flying horses and ponies. (Think “Rainbow Brite” and “My Little Pony”. Disturbingly, there was a point in my life where I had a dream that melded plot points of “Rainbow Brite” with those of “Robotech” and “Voltron”. Which, in retrospect, might not make a bad story, though…) But Schmendrick is definitely one of my favorite magicians. And the story of Prince Lir, and even King Haggard, get me right there.

I suppose I was young when I first saw them. Now I must be old…at least I have picked many more things up than I had then, and put them all down again. But I always knew that nothing was worth the investment of my heart, because nothing lasts, and I was right, and so I was always old. Yet each time I see my unicorns, it is like that morning in the woods, and I am truly young in spite of myself, and anything can happen in a world that holds such beauty. … King Haggard from The Last Unicorn by Peter S Beagle.

Even to this day, I keep learning new things about this story. First off, Beagle started off entirely in a different direction, more akin to the magical realism embodied by, say, Neil Gaiman, or (surprisingly) Douglas Adams (in his Dirk Gently series), or even J.K. Rowling. For starters, the Unicorn finds herself in present day England, wondering what the hell happened to all the other unicorns. She meets up with a two-headed demon expelled from Hell, and they run into other demons who resemble nothing less than cruel, heartless, calculating corporate types and marketroids, or perhaps members of the current Bush administration. I think it would’ve been interesting to see where he might have gone with that, but, then again, I guess we wouldn’t have the classic tale that he ended up giving us.

And, naturally, when I first ran into the story, I didn’t think much of the budding romance between Lir and Amalthea. But lately, I think about it, and it seriously just gets me right there. Talk about not being meant to be.

Which makes it all the more poignant in Beagle’s novella ”Two Hearts”, which brings us back several decades after The Last Unicorn, and King Lir is an old man who cannot remember where he is. The fact that the Unicorn still loves him, despite the fact that unicorns do not, cannot, fall in love with mortals, broke my heart.

But this post is getting overly long, and so I’ll stop here and talk about Earthsea later.

Because of the release of Deathly Hallows today, I had to catch up and read Half-Blood Prince. One of the reasons why I had decided to put off reading it was because everyone had ruined the “big surprise,” which was the death of Albus Dumbledore.

I suppose the death of the great wizard has been a staple of fantasy for quite a while now, at least ever since Gandalf the Grey plummeted into the trackless depths of Moria, and since Obi-Wan Kenobi met his end from the blade of his former apprentice. (In fact, I almost feel like every fantasy series that has hit the mainstream has been some bizarre hybrid of the ideas of J.R.R. Tolkien and George Lucas: an inconceivably powerful artifact that tethers the Dark Lord to existence in this material plane, a Chosen One meant to restore the balance. But I digress.)

I guess it’s probably just a function of when I read The Lord of the Rings. Even to this day, even though I know that Gandalf the White comes back, I always get a little misty eyed when I read about the Fellowship of the Ring traversing the orc-infested Mines of Moria. I used to feel a little pang of sadness when Obi-Wan Kenobi was cut down by Darth Vader, but unfortunately, George Lucas makes him look decidedly less regal in Episodes I-III that he sort of lost part of his mystique. But when Severus Snape blasts Dumbledore out of the tower, I don’t know, I guess it would’ve been better if I didn’t know.

Still, hands down, the part of The Lord of the Rings that really gets me right there is when Merry has just finished helping Éowyn kill the Witch King of Angmar, and no one seems to notice that he has been deathly injured until Pippin stumbles upon him, and he ends up trying to drag him to the Houses of Healing. Merry ends up asking him, “Are you going to bury me?” and if I’m in the right mood, I can get all teary-eyed.

And now, a spoiler: I just finished Deathly Hallows and Severus Snape’s part in the story was just, wow. He is now definitely my most favorite character in the series, and even though we all know that he’s not the one-dimensional villain that the characters want to believe he is, I was still surprised by how poignant the entirety of his tale is.

I don’t know how I find these random things, but I stumbled upon Chris Hazard and Ky Kimport’s take on what a Tolkien RPG would look like in the hands of Squaresoft.

In response, I would say that:

• You get your airship from the Shipwright Círdan, who happens to prefer being called Cid. He will also give you Narya, the Ring of Fire, but only if you have Gandalf in your party.
• The final battle sequence will actually consist of destroying Sauron in the Third Age, who takes the form of the Eye. The Nazgûl back him up. Then you travel back in time to the end of the Second Age to defeat Sauron in the Battle of the Last Alliance. After that, you go back earlier in the Second Age where you have to defeat him in Númenor before it sinks under the ocean (yes there is a time limit!). Finally, you go all the way back to the First Age to defeat Sauron, who is teamed up with Thuringwethil the Vampire and Draugluin the Werewolf. Once Sauron is utterly defeated, you are then faced with fighting Glaurung, the father of dragons, Gothmog the Lord of the Balrogs, and finally, Morgoth, the Dark Lord who has about a trillion hit points, and can only be physically damaged by the swords Ringil, Anglachel (but you want to upgrade it to Gurthang when you get a chance), or Anguirel, and also the knife Angrist (although it has to be reforged) You can also use Radagast’s summoning abilities (only the Eagle summon works) or hopefully you have at least one Silmaril, which, like Materia, can be inset into your weapons and give it Morgoth-damaging capabilities.
• Depending on whether or not you look in Galadriel’s Mirror while in Lothlórien, you can unlock the Scouring of the Shire final subquest. This will allow you to keep playing even after you defeat Sauron and Morgoth and unlock Elrond, Galadriel, and Círdan as playable characters. Upon completing this mission, you can unlock the best ending.
• Among the optional characters you can fight (all of whom have maybe at least a quadrillion hit points each) are the twin Blue Wizards who turned evil, Alatar and Pallando, and the penultimate optional battle is Ungoliant who has an octillion hit points, has six different forms, and has the attack “Withering of the Two Trees” which kills all the characters of your party except one, regardless of how many hit points you have, what armor you have equipped, or what magical protection you’ve cast.
• The ultimate optional battle pits you against Neo-Morgoth, who is partly cybernetic, and who has sexdicillion hit points and will take literally 24 hours to beat (not counting breaks) and who will be far more difficult than the actual final battle of the game. On the upside, you should have the Elven Lords at this point, who can all inflict massive amounts of damage thanks to the Rings of Power
• Various optional subquests include the reconquest of Moria, the cleansing of the Barrow Downs, the Colosseum in Umbar, lifting Numenór back out of the ocean, lifting Beleriand back out of the ocean, restoring the Two Trees, finding and clearing Angband, and finding and clearing Utumno
• Valinor becomes accessible if you have a Silmaril
• Like other Final Fantasy games, you can gather certain talismans to summon Elf Lords, Maiar, and Valar to fight for you temporarily.
• Limit breaks/ultimate attacks:
  • Samwise: precision apple throw (instantly fatal), elven-lord charge (attacks multiple foes at once)
  • Frodo: the phial of Galadriel (holy damage to all foes)
  • Merry: the horn of Rohan (summons the Rohirrim to deal damage to all your foes)
  • Pippin: Bullroarer’s attack (instant death by decapitation, leading to a hole-in-one)
  • Aragorn: Flame of the West (fire attack to all foes), Wings of Thorongil (wind attack to all foes), The Light of the Elfstone (holy attack to all foes)
  • Gimli: Axes of Khazad (damage to multiple foes), Durin’s Hammer (massive damage to a single foe)
  • Gandalf: The Flame of Anor (massive holy damage), the Lightning of the Maiar (massive electrical damage), the Hand of the Valar (only available for Gandalf the White, dealing incredibly massive amounts of holy damage)