Despite religiously taking my medications, I’m still not quite all that functional. I mean, I suppose the good things are that I’m not having any problems at work, and I’m not sleeping sixteen hours a day anymore.
But my home life (or lack thereof) is a debacle.
My apartment is currently extraordinarily disgusting. It’s amazing how much maintenance is actually required to keep everything running smoothly, and I never have the will nor the wherewithal to deal with it, except for that extremely rare occasion that someone decides to visit. Plus it’s too goddamned hot in here, since I don’t have A/C. It feels like a freaking sauna.
So what my strategy has been lately is to find some neat, hipstery cafe that has free wi-fi, and hang out there for hours on end, until it gets dark again, and I can actually stand being in my apartment, or at least be willing to sleep in it.
I even thought about driving up to L.A. to my parents’ house today just so I could hangout in an air-conditioned environment. But since it’s now 1pm and I have to work tomorrow, I would probably be just an atrocious waste of gas.
The indecision comes in because I can’t decide where I want to go. So I’m here sitting in front of my computer browsing the guides to wireless cafés in San Diego.
I’ve been hanging out at Influx a lot. I checked out Cream the other day. Yesterday I went to Krakatoa. Hmmm.
As for my avoidant behavior, I sometimes call it being anti-social. (Although, clinically, being anti-social involves being more of an asshole rather than not wanting to interact with other people. Plus I don’t have any tatoos.) You may think it strange that I want to go out in public, but that’s the great thing about being conditioned by living in big cities for most of my natural life: Despite being out and about, I feel completely anonymous, and I have mastered feeling alone and sometimes even lonely in the midst of a crowd.
There is a possibility that these are simply my baseline characteristics (which a psychiatrist would term as personality disorders, or Axis II diagnoses.) Ironically, I would be better off if this were just a subclinical manifestation of my depression, because depression is curable, but personality disorders are basically permanent.
But, whatever.
This shift work life is simply not agreeing with me. And I still have three more weeks to go.
Bleh, this beta version of Blogger is eating my posts. This sucks.
But my apartment is a shambles. There is basically trash everywhere, my living room is a massive tangle of wires and cords. I’m completely paralyzed by all this.
This is not a viable existence.
I also wonder if there is a chance I’m manic, or at least hypomanic. You know how one of those cardinal symptoms of mania is going on massive shopping sprees. I guess the only thing that keeps me from admitting to suffering from bipolar disorder is the fact that I never seem to be happy. Sure, I do have those nights where I can’t sleep at all because there are way too many thoughts in my head, and despite not sleeping, I wake up at the normal hour, or maybe even earlier.
I guess that’s what’s different this time.
My brain is totally spinning. Like a million and one ideas are racing in and out, half-formed, barely explicated.
Is this what it feels to go totally insane?