dendritic arborization • I like that phrase

disordered thought processes

hidden in the seeming chaos is beautiful, elegant order—at least, I hope that's true.

it's too late now, let it all go

posted on September 27th, 2008

It’s never gonna be all right.

does it make sense to mourn what never was?

posted on September 24th, 2008

Since you and I never came to be…


LEONA LEWIS - BETTER IN TIME (VIDEO)
Uploaded by AcerBen

the last day of summer always feels so cold

posted on September 21st, 2008

It’s been 8 years since this song was released by The Cure. I remember that the first time I heard it, I felt that it captured perfectly my despair from that moment my heart shattered 13 years ago.

Nothing I am
Nothing I dream
Nothing is new
Nothing I think or believe in or say
Nothing is true

It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah, it used to be so easy…

But the last day of summer never felt so cold
The last day of summer never felt so old

Never felt so…

All that I have
All that I hold
All that is wrong
All that I feel for or trust in or love
All that is gone

It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah, it used to be so easy…

But the last day of summer never felt so cold
The last day of summer never felt so old
The last day of summer never felt so cold
Never felt so…

It seems like that moment has reverberated through space and time. Every defeat I’ve endured since seems to be an echo of that fatal moment. A reminder that, emotionally speaking, I’m crippled. An emotional amputee. Nothing has ever seemed right since. These days it’s easy for me to feel sorry for myself, and it’s hard not to be disappointed at how little progress I’ve made, and how little hope there seems to be in the future. I don’t begrudge anyone their happiness, but it just seems like everyone else has gotten a “happily ever after” ending except me.

Such is fate, I guess. How emo is that?

Great heroes need great sorrows and burdens, or half their greatness goes unnoticed.
—Schmendrick the Magician, from The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle.

Or some such bullshit. Maybe I never had a choice, a chance to defy my destiny. Actually, in some cases, I’ve known from that start that I didn’t have a chance, and yet I still boarded those trains and rode them as they smashed directly into brick walls.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
—Albert Einstein

I give up on this. I know I’ve said it before, and it has never dissuaded me from pursuing predictable disaster, but I’m done. It’s just time to accept that there are certain things in life I will never experience, to deal with that hard fact, and move on.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

where did september go?

posted on September 19th, 2008

How fitting.

SEPTEMBER - Pedro Gil

said it was the only solution

posted on September 11th, 2008

Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn’t work out the way I wanted to.
I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it doesn’t work out the way I wanted to.
It’s like I concentrate real hard and it doesn’t work out
Everything I do and everything I try never turns out
It’s like I need time to figure these things out

lacuna

posted on September 7th, 2008

The mornings are the worst,
when all of the sudden,
you are reminded of all that
failed to come true, of all that is not there
all that has never been, and all that will never be

Like cold steel slicing between the ribs
straight into your beating heart
quivering helplessly with each beat
then twisted and turned
yanked back
then plunged back in again

Like shark’s teeth gnawing, shredding
rending, tearing
until all that is left is the blood
muddying the deep blue water
and still somehow, through all this
against all reason, I continue to live


I have tried to empty my heart
of all desire
let my heart be still
and want no more
let my heart stay frozen and undisturbed
to never dream again
to never imagine warmth and tenderness
never again to thaw from a loving smile
nor from kind words,
nor from a warm embrace
stopped, and drained dry
so that I might hide it away forever
keep it bound and locked up
so that it may never again be found

better this eternal darkness that I know
this numb silence of regret
and permanent loss
this echoing emptiness
than this aching, writhing half-existence, forever yearning to be filled.

2 for the price of 1

posted on September 7th, 2008

I don’t know why it grieves me so, when I knew this was lost already.

she leaves with someone you don't know

posted on September 7th, 2008

I’m a sucker for these song about unrequited love and failed relationships, failed attempts at connecting. I don’t remember when I first heard this song, I just remember it was while the sun was shining down upon me as i drove south on the I-15 somewhere between Corona and Temecula, a lot happier than I am right now.

And it starts…
sometime around midnight
or at least that’s when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two

As you stand…
under the barlights
and the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while
and the piano’s this melancholy soundcheck
to her smile
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her
for a while

But you know…
that she’s watching
She’s laughing, she’s turning
she’s holding her tonic like a cross
The room suddenly spinning
she walks up and asks how you are
so you can smell her perfume
you can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there’s a change…
in your emotions
and all of these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind
of the curl of your bodies
like two perfect circles entwined
and you feel hopeless, and homeless
and lost in the haze
of the wine

And she leaves…
with someone you don’t know
but she makes sure you saw her
she looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes
and when your friends say what is it
you look like you’ve seen a ghost

And you walk…
under the streetlights
and you’re too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
and you just don’t care what you look like
the world is falling
around you

You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her

and you know that she’ll break you
in two

subito

posted on September 7th, 2008

there was never anything more than fine gossamer threads of hope
fraying and tenuous, breaking, snapping, tearing with the slightest breeze
the merest whisper
more like a dream than anything else
so that awakening came like a disaster
and the dawn brought nothing but dread

untethered, my soul writhes
unbound, directionless, unmoored
drifting aimlessly in this empty sea of silence
without a soul in sight
bobbing up and down like an abandoned dinghy
forgotten flotsam slowly sinking into the deep
I cling desperately to shattered, splintered driftwood
knowing soon I will grow too weary
to hold fast to the broken fragments
to swim against this current

the waves shall take me
in the deep fastness I shall lie

and maybe this existential torment, too
is nothing but a nightmarish dream
and one day I shall awaken
at last knowing that every ending is a new beginning
for every closed door, there is an open one

I cling to this thought
bind it to myself, clasp it tight
this final hope
that, one day, my hour will come
and this, too, shall then end

a frank assessment

posted on September 7th, 2008

Now his failure is complete
—Darth Vader

song dedication

posted on September 5th, 2008

To a woman whom I failed to communicate how I feel about

Good Riddance

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

a song I wish radiohead would play again

posted on September 5th, 2008

Blowout

In my mind and nailed into my heels
All the time killing what I feel

And everything I touch
(All wrapped up in cotton wool)
(All wrapped up and sugar coated)
Turns to stone

And everything I touch
(All wrapped up in cotton wool)
(All wrapped up and sugar coated)
Turns stone

I am fused just in case I blow out
I am glued just in case I crack out

Everything I touch turns to stone
Everything I touch
(All wrapped up in cotton wool)
(All wrapped up and sugar coated)
Turns to stone

now I definitely can't sleep

posted on September 2nd, 2008

I think I was supposed to learn something from this. I wish I knew what it was, though.