dendritic arborization • I like that phrase

disordered thought processes

hidden in the seeming chaos is beautiful, elegant order—at least, I hope that's true.

the open sea

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Surprisingly, there have been moments where I realize that being lost at sea isn’t necessarily the most terrible thing in the world.

the santa barbara channel

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the violence of translation

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A copy of a copy of a copy…

Hindi iyon totoong daan ang daan na madaanan
Hindi iyon totoong pangalan ang pangalan na maipangalan

The way that can be travelled upon is not the true way
The name that can be named is not the true name

English words are pretty versatile. You can use verbs as nouns, nouns as verbs, adjectives as nouns, etc., etc., but it’s not completely permissive. While the noun “name” has the corresponding verb “to name”, there isn’t a verb form of the word “way”, for example. As versatile as English is, Tagalog is even more so, where every word seems like it can be transformed into the necessary part-of-speech. So “daan” can become “madaan”.

Of course, the original is written in Chinese, which I can’t read one bit of, but I’m still trying to get to the essence of these first two lines.

illusive elusion

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the days fall like dry, dead leaves
even in this land of no seasons
time winds its way
the signs of the zodiac
do their slow, courtly dance
through the heavens

I stare at this map of the landscape of my soul
see the paths I have traversed
the great wide blank desert before me
and the distance I’ve gone from safe, civilized lands

the hours are miles
the days are towns and cities
the months are provinces
each season an empire

did I truly believe that I was saved?
what grievous folly, what laughable regret
the hours spent, the hours lost
dreaming, hoping, wishing
nothing but vainglorious self-defeat

my soul roils, I was snared
once again, how did it happen?
why did I dare?
when all roads have led me to deeper darkness
all chances fraught with sorrow

I am chasing falling stars

and yet perhaps
I am learning the wrong lesson here
still it rankles, still it burns
still I ache, still I bleed
when does “not yet” become “never”?
but is it failure if you never really tried?
is there no chance, if no chance was ever taken?

like a fading ember,
hope remains
but it does not buoy me up
does not lighten my burden
my heart is sick
and filled with dread.


friend zone

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I should probably just show this to every woman I meet to save both of us time.

Friends with detriments • xkcd xkcd by Randall Munroe

more pointless lists of random thoughts

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  1. I am not feeling well. Not feeling well at all. Apparently my GI tract is on strike or something. I am not even factoring in the depression, as it is pretty standard for this time of year.

  2. There is clearly something wrong with me. I am assembling IKEA furniture at midnight.

  3. Of course, the next step requires a hammer, and I can’t find one.

  4. I suppose I can find one at the CVS, where I am going to go to get me some Pepto-Bismol after I post this stupid list.

  5. For some reason, Facebook disconnected my Atom feed from the “Post Notes” feature. I have resolved not to reattach it until I start writing more positive things, or at least more interesting things.

album leaf "always for you"

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This song has apparently been sitting on my iPod since 2006. I’m sure I’ve accidentally listened to it once or twice, but I guess it never really registered on my consciousness. For some ill-articulated reason related to the socially-avoidant state-of-mind I’ve been in, I’ve been skipping this song whenever it came up.

In the air I flew.
Through the clouds I fall.
Through the country I’ve walked.
In front of temples I’ve stood.
Before the ocean I pray.
And I said your name.

In the air I flew.
Through the clouds I fall.
And all the things I’ve tried to say
were never easy to explain.
They were always meant for you.

And all the memories that were made
for years and years
I’ve chased this day.
They were always for you.
Always for you.

In the air I breath.
Through the clouds I see.
Through the cities I’ve walked.
In the castles I dreamed.
On the mountain I climb
when I call your name.

In the air I flew.
Through the clouds I fell.
And all the things I’ve tried to change
were never easy to contain.
They were always meant for you.
Always for you.

And all the memories will never fade
for years and years
in my heart you’ll stay.
It was always for you.
Always for you.
Always for you.

And all the pieces that remain,
they will build a place for us to stay.
They were always meant for you.
Always for you.

And all the chances that we take
for years and years
we’ll have this place.
They were always for you.
Always for you.


doesn't seem like it's going to be today

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  1. This is my life, and it’s ending one minute at a time

  2. I haven’t been wanting to write anything for a while now. Not even short 140 character missives to Twitter.

  3. Everything I keep telling myself I need to do remains quite undone.

  4. Something is definitely wrong with me.

  5. This cough just won’t go away. It’s been pretty much three months now. I’m pretty sure it’s not TB. My PPD was negative in August. Then again, I’ve definitely been burned by PPDs before. I once met someone a week after they had a negative PPD, fooling me into thinking that they couldn’t possibly have TB. Silly me. (I still didn’t convert after that incident.)

  6. I think it’s probably reflux. It seems to be better when I’m actually compliant adherent with taking Prilosec daily.

  7. I probably have reflux because of my body habitus. To put it bluntly, it’s because I’m a fat bastard. This particular thought makes me sad.

  8. Sadness seems to paralyze me. This is also probably a manifestation of actual depression.

  9. Then again, this particular feeling always overcomes me this time of year. I need to get more sunlight. You would think that in San Diego, this would not be hard to do. It probably wouldn’t be if I could manage to get myself out of bed in the morning.

  10. I need a job. I’m doing absolutely nothing to help me attain that goal.

  11. It was probably a bad idea to wait until 4 pm to eat something. How’s that for paralysis? I think the technical term is executive dysfunction.

  12. When I finally did eat something, I felt like ass afterwards. I had to go lie down and take a nap. Hypochondriac that I am, I started wondering if I ate something that had botulinum toxin in it.

  13. It was probably just a very exaggerated version of the post-prandial dip. Usually that happens after noon, but then, usually, normal people have eaten at least one meal by then.

  14. Or I could have eaten something that was tainted by something.

  15. If I had to bet on the likelihood that I would do something productive tomorrow, I would bet against myself.

  16. I’ve been meaning to do something with this blog. Fix it. Trash it and start another one. I don’t know. I started reading through some of my archives, and I wonder, where did I find all the time to write?

  17. Now that I have all the time in the world, I can’t write a single thing.

  18. This is going nowhere.

  19. I think I need to stop here.