dendritic arborization • I like that phrase

disordered thought processes

hidden in the seeming chaos is beautiful, elegant order—at least, I hope that's true.

something about soulmates again

posted on December 19th, 2014

I don’t believe in soulmates. You give and get different things to and from different people; each relationship you have—friendship or romantic—is unique and irreproducible.

—something I wrote a long time ago to someone I haven’t spoken/written to in years….

See also: What if everyone actually had only one soul mate, a random person somewhere in the world?

Even still, I can’t rule out that some people were just meant to meet and be together. Time turns random chance into destiny.

stay with me/i won't back down

posted on December 16th, 2014

While Sam Smith has figured prominently in my personal internal soundtrack this year (“Latch”, ”Good Thing”, his cover of Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know?”, etc.), other than the generalized vibe of unrequited love, I didn’t really feel any direct personal emotional associations with “Stay with Me” (this despite the fact that I included it on a few playlists, although it has since acquired indirect personal emotional associations….)

In June, it struck me how much “Stay with Me” has the same melodic structure as “I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and it still cracks me up and even has some vague direct personal meaningfulness to it now.

Some mashups on YouTube:

Well, I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down


Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey, I will stand my ground and I won’t back down

moments

posted on December 12th, 2014

It’s been a while since I was this happy and content. I’m kind of afraid to jinx it.

“Note to self: Remember once that you were happy.” • Everything Must Change • Responding to Internal Stimuli • 2003 Oct 23

“While, at present, everything seems mundane and not-a-little boring, I just got this feeling that someday, I’d look back on these relatively stress-free days and think to myself, ‘Wow, I was happy then. Those were pretty good times.’” • The Beauty of Being in Between • Responding to Internal Stimuli • 2004 Mar 16

simple

posted on December 12th, 2014

do you miss those days when I strove to win your heart
with awkward attempts at making bold gestures?
screwing up all my courage to ask you out
to walk around these city streets
teeming with crowds
but I only had eyes for you
the whole world could’ve been empty for all I cared

even as I blundered
trying to be near you
even as my words failed
I knew I wanted to know you
to walk beside you at least for a short while
while our paths cross on this long journey
trying not to question
why you would bother spending time with me
trying not to worry
that your heart might belong elsewhere


after minor sorrows, small heartaches
you are still with me
as we listen to the rain patter against the windows
flowing into these city streets
we lie warm in each others’ embrace

the storm rages around us
as we while away our time with simple things
you are home with me
where you are is home to me

no rhymes, no rhythm

posted on December 11th, 2014

Trawling through my comment spam and finding some old poems

spin • 2006 Jul 29
final sky • 2006 Jul 29
shadows, echoes, and reveberations • 2006 Dec 5
the promise of salvation • 2007 May 25
dreaming • 2007 Sep 4
faith (and the lack thereof) • 2007 Sep 4
even starlight fades • 2007 Sep 4

tincture of time

posted on December 11th, 2014

still thinking back to those lonely nights
lying in bed by myself, staring at the shadows
listening to the still silence

sick to my stomach with liquor and dread

this dull, drear exercise
like picking at scabs, probing open wounds
still oozing with ichor and blood

but against all odds, I still have faith that these wounds will heal
some are long-standing, some are fresh

be patient and give it time, I tell myself
no other balm will ease this discomfort
nothing else will suffice

and I wait for that time when I can touch the space where the wounds once were
and I will feel nothing except the wholeness of knit flesh


the echoes of betrayal (though no vows were spoken),
of failure (though no trials were assayed)
still wake me at night
I remember knowing with aching desire that this is what I want
and I remember knowing with cold certainty that wanting is not enough
and I remember preparing myself for the bleak truths that must follow

what is done cannot be undone
we build the future with the past that we’ve already wrought

though I’d been here before, time and again, trod these broken paths
these shattered streets
nothing new under the sun
except for new cuts and scrapes and bruises
dawn soon comes, though it brings no surcease to these minor sorrows
(for there are far worse things than being alone)


somehow the course of the river of time turned differently this time

though I try not to be a superstitious man
endeavoring to approach the universe with
cold logic and hard reason

but sometimes it seems that miracles occur
only when all hope is lost

I listen to you breathing softly as you lie asleep beside me
and feel your warmth
and I wonder and marvel at how you could love someone as wounded as I
and maybe I just shouldn’t question it
and just accept things as they come
one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time
to live in the present
knowing in the very moment
that you love me and I love you

rewind

posted on November 23rd, 2014

It has been more than 14 years since I started writing down my thoughts and posting them. It has only really been in the last year or so that I’ve chanced to look back and trawl through the vast tracts of ephemera and melodrama. And it occurs to me that I only write here when I am sad and anguished. I rarely write when I am happy and joyful, or if I do, usually it’s tempered by melancholy. So these blog posts provide a skewed picture. (Although I haven’t really chronicled the grimmest moments, either.)

Although one of the things that surprised me was how optimistic even some of the more painful entries are. There’s a reason why I’m still around, I guess.


A lot has happened this year. Travel. Celebrations. Mourning. But there’s been more.

About three months ago, I met someone wonderful, someone who has changed my life in a drastic, positive way. I wasn’t quite able to convince her of my virtues at first, but in the end, she chose to be with me.

I try not to question it too much. :D

Three months ago, coming back from Hawaii after burying my uncle, I would never have imagined the joy and wonder and happiness I have been experiencing. My life has expanded in ways I would have never have foreseen. For once in a very long time, I look forward to the future with hope.

feelings of inadequacy

posted on November 22nd, 2014

Everything that happened had to have happened, because I wasn’t enough. Some lessons are hard and painful, but live and learn.

equilibrium

posted on November 22nd, 2014

Only in silence the word,
only in dark the light,
only in dying life:
bright the hawk’s flight
on the empty sky
—Ursula K. Le Guin The Wizard of Earthsea

a bird flying over Bahia de Banderas

it's always darkest before the dawn

posted on November 20th, 2014

Hyperbolically speaking, it does seem like things have a tendency to end up working out for me once I’ve lost all hope #LetItGo

Interestingly, today’s top target for spambots is a (long meandering) post about (ultimately) The Art of Not Wanting.

time traveling

posted on November 15th, 2014

“This weekend left me thinking about the nature of courage: To stay in the fight, even without any hope of winning, and let yourself be destroyed ingloriously? Or to look at the darkness with both eyes wide open, and realize, it’s time to let go, there’s no point in hanging on and tearing the whole thing down with me? Each to their own, I guess.”

from November 16, 2009

cleaning up a little

posted on November 6th, 2014

Deleted a bunch of spambot comments. It’s interesting which posts they’ve been hammering.

There are things I’ve kind of forgotten about myself. There are things that I know all too well.

fate

posted on October 2nd, 2014

Lately, though, I can’t help but think
that this is the way things are meant to be
once the probability wave function collapses
you can’t uncollapse it, I suppose
really, though, as I grow more aware of this, I
have begun to stop wondering “what if”

panning for gold

posted on September 24th, 2014

Every day that I survive is a small victory

Yet somehow I have to lay my shattered
dreams to rest, and face the world,
empty-handed yet still brave

Despite this hollow feeling of incompleteness
I have come to realize that whatever I am
right now is good enough for the present

recursion

posted on September 24th, 2014

No, the darkness never left, I suppose
still remembering lying awake at night
choking on my reflux
my bloated fat body conspiring to kill itself

The days filled with terror and exhaustion
and frustration

faint mockeries of hope glimmered wanly
there was nothing, there would be nothing

Only the bottle and sweet oblivion

There will be no answers, no consolation, no resolution

“…his heart heavy in a certain way….”
“She smiled at him, gently and with acute tenderness, with the answer no.”